New Year Resolved

I'm nervous. Not quite sure why but today I have been a little uneased; getting caught up in the hype of a new year, which doesn't mean too much of anything. Many begin each year the same, stacking high hopes on what they will accomplish, discard and change in the year that has approached faster than anyone could have imagined. But I know that January first is simply another day, and blessed are those who live to see it just like the second, third, and fourth. Tomorrow we will celebrate for it is tradition, not that anything has been accomplished. Yes we will be thankful that God has found us worthy of another day of breath, but that is aside from ourselves. I believe this feeling that is within me is greater than the thoughts that reside in my mind. God is moving and I need to keep my life line connected to Him so that I will know in which direction to move so that I will stay in alignment with His will. He has revealed so much to me within this year and blessed me above anything I "deserved" and for that I am grateful. I know that the woman am I being called to be has been in the making for a long time, but the mold of her has just begun to form. I believe this is why I am anxious. Prayers are being answered and I am being held accountable. To who much is given, much is required. I just pray I can deliver. Not in the new year, but for the rest of my life. I remember that a day to the Lord is like a thousand to us and a thousand to Him is like a day to us. A new year to me is simply be a tick in time for the Lord Jesus so I release all expectation for 2012 and just submit to God's will and pray for the courage to deliver...

Hard Truth

I'm a coward. Living behind bogus excuses. The world was placed in my hands, and I gave it back thinking it was heavier than I imagined. We pray for everything we want but leave out minor details. If it's been omitted from the checklist then it's implied it's not important. And it's not; but this statement is only true when we don't set our sights on worldly things. Worldly, cranial, flesh. It's here only to carry the sinful deeds. I thought I killed that thing, and yet it's all I see. Caught up on what I think  instead of what I feel. But love is to touch the heart, and now I'm on a head trip. Mistakes are made when learning. What have I learned from this? I'm weaker than I thought. Too weak to carry the world I so badly wanted.

Hold On

Catching my attention
Caught me off guard
But held it like a baby
Gently caressing my curiosity
And nourishing my need to know
My spirit can't help but giggle
Smiles cover my face like kisses
And feel good shoots through me like chills
The unexpected has captured me
And I dance behind its bars
Musician, magician
Is this some kind of trick
Illusion of my imagination
Because this is almost unbelievable
But I'm a little captivated
Not knowing how this happened
Or what exactly it is
A self- proclaimed intellect
My mind can't rest with the thought
Running to different possible outcomes
Until I force it to stop
Or at lest pause long enough to enjoy the moment
Because the grip on my attention is firm
Squeezing contentment from it like peaches
Sweet and savoring
And I must admit
I can't help but indulge a little
Praying I don't become guilty of gluttony
And at the same time let the worry of it cause self- deprivation
Because if I'm honest
I don't know what the hell I'm doing
But they say ignorance is bliss
So until it's made plain
I'll continue to dance behind the bars that hold me
In the wonderful world of here and now.

Humble Thy Self

Humility is HARD
It's like moving a brick wall with your mind
I mean you mind as well ask penguins to fly
Because pride is not flexible
So bending down to submission is almost impossible
It's almost like that psycho killer that won't die
So killing it daily...
MAN
It's looking like David and Goliath
And only with God can this giant come down
So I must continuously ask for a renewed mind in the Spirit
And remember that God blesses the humble
Keeping His Word at the forefront of everything
Because it's the only weapon I have to fight this principality
Serve your earthly master with sincerity as unto the Lord
OOOOO JESUS HELP ME!!!!
But if David can spare Saul's life for Your Name sake
Then surely I can spare my two cents
That ain't worth nothing but a write up anyways
Because the other day I was reading Proverbs
And it was chopping me up like a song mixed down in Texas
Because pride is a prominent characteristic of a fool
So the most I can do is repent
And ask for help
Because I'd rather sooner than later master the humble bow
So I can gracefully exit stage left

Fatherless Child

There are many fatherless people in the world, and a lot of men who are less than fathers. Not because they are incapable of conceiving a child, rather they lack the drive, determination, courage, and emotional capacity to lead the ones they do bring into the world. Now, I know that the entire nation knows this and I'm not one to sit here and state the obvious, but rather share bits and pieces of my own experience.
The one person I care about more than any other human being is yet a victim of this exact circumstance. He doesn't know what a father is; the meaning, the feeling. He is a young boy left with a mother that is filled with sympathy, regret, and shame for her careless choice of picking someone not deserving to be filtered into his DNA or engraved in her heart.
As of now my son knows all of nothing about the father's side of the family. Never seen his father, can't recall his uncle, and talks to his granddad whenever I call him. Now I know most everyone says don't take it personal, it's not my fault that they don't care. True, true enough. I can't make anyone do anything, hell it's hard enough making myself do things, but I must take the blame. I was the one who chose this life for my son. It was my mistake that got us here. Now I do thank God that we want for nothing (financially) but have all of our needs.... his needs been met? Everyone needs a father, right? I guess in all honesty one is not needed past the moment if conception, for that's the only time many children have had any contact with their fathers. They're not needed to survive, but they are longed for from all those lacking one. As a responsible woman I was supposed to make sure I put myself and my child in the best position to make sure this desire was fulfilled, but I was foolish and failed at the task. So I have realized that some of my irritation, almost to resentment, for the other half of my child's family is an indirect feeling towards myself. And yes I have forgiven myself for such wrong doing, but forgiveness doesn't erase the consequences of those actions.

This is Me

I'm a masterpiece
Engulfed in imperfection
You gotta love me

I don't want it

Sharing is caring
But you could have kept that shit
I don't do drama

Breaking the Chains

Acceptance is key
Most are trapped in denial
I need my freedom

Strong Black Man (Haiku)

Black man in power
Makes them tremble to the core
Let's cause an earthquake

Just a thought

Man's hardest struggle is also that of a woman.
And sin is executed by the flesh.
And the greatest desired sin is flesh on flesh.
How ironic.

Be Careful What You Pray For

I can admit that I am a prideful person. Humility is something that has been in my prayers often for the past few weeks. I earnestly have been praying for a humble, meek spirit; not wanting to be the short tempered, never wrong, hard to let it go Sharree. I want to be like the woman God calls His daughters to be. This week I was shown how far from the goal I truly am.

While at work I became upset with the directions of those holding authoritative positions over me. Of course I felt like I was being singled out and my actions of wrong doing were being blown out of proportion. If I can be blunt, I had a whole episode over taking an extended break without the knowledge of those controlling the floor. It was said that I took a break twice as long as that allotted to me, when in reality I did take one five minutes over, which is why I was wrong. For this I was removed from the preferred location I was in and placed in the least desirable. To add insult to injury, when I had a fellow associate tell them that I actually took a later break then expected I was told that they didn't care and I should have went when I was told. The reason for me not doing so was actually to help customers and allow my relief to go to the restroom. So immediately I was irritated for doing what I believed was the right thing.

As the day went on so did the attitude of me and the associates over me. I helped my customers as I always do, assisting them with their needs, directing them to the right isle, and asking did they need assistance. Though my irritation was obvious, I didn't let it keep me from my responsibilities. While standing in the spot I dread the most I had an awakening happen in my spirit. The Holy Spirit reminded me that I was working on being humble. This told me that I should let go of my attitude and have a "sir sir, yes ma'am" attitude. You know what I told the Holy Spirit? "I'll be humble tomorrow". Yes I did! I got at God just like that! Less than twenty minutes later I was called into the office to discuss my attitude. To be frank, my manager checked me. He reminded me that the store had no obligations to keep me and that my "behavior" was unacceptable. Now, I had many problems with the speech he gave me, one being most of the things he said were incorrect but I simply told him the situation and let the rest go. When the meeting was over, I still had respect for him and realized that I did need to be checked. Later I thanked him for it.

Later that day God spoke to me again. He reminded me that it was I who decided to dismiss Him. He told me that I was to be humble, I told Him "tomorrow". He came back to me and told me that I had been mistaken. He is a prayer answering God and I have been praying for humility and yet when put in a situation to practice it I refused. Since I refused to do it on my own, He had it done for me, through my manager. If I would have been obedient it would have been water under the bridge, but since I wasn't now I have to worry about my work situation for the summer. Obedience in greater than sacrifice, and for my lack of it, I was led to repent.

Young Man

Young man,
Why are your pants hanging like that?
Didn't you know that number on the tag is the inches for your waist?
And young man,
Why would you holler, "what's up wit it" to me?
Sir, I have no idea, but the only way I'd know you were interested in my was if you asked how am doing
Young man,
Why are you driving around aimlessly?
Why don't you have a job to get to?
As a matter of fact
Who car is that anyways?
Didn't you hear that it's better to lend and not borrow?
Young man,
Why are you so angry?
Was it really the world that did you wrong?
And excuse me young man,
Why did you call me out of my name?
See that's exactly why I ignored you in the first place
As a matter of fact,
Don't you have a chick?
Why are you in my face anyways?
Young man,
Why do you refer to her as "my bitch"?
You are helping put fuel to the fire.
And young man,
Why do you call your children "my niggas"?
Can't you see the problem when daddy's ordaining them to be ignorant fools?
Young man,
Why is your mission to steal, kill, and destroy?
Didn't you know that's what the devil was sent here for?
Oh young man,
where have your morals and conscience gone?
You know you're no use with them by the wayside?
Young man,
Why would you choose this destructive path?
Don't you remember the pain daddy caused when he chose it?
Young man,
Why not be bold and try something new?
You mind as well because as of now, you've already failed.
Young man,
Don't you know I use the term loosely?
In reality, your simply a male.
Young man,
I pray for you often.
Because my son and yours needs someone to look up to.
Young Man,
Take ownership of the title
And fulfill your responsibilities
Young man,
I love you deeply
Don't let my love or yourself die in vain
Young man.

Child's Play

They say time is money and I have a shortage on them both. This is why I rarely entertain the thought of dating. Now, I haven’t been scorched to the point that I think all men are dogs and none can be trusted or mean any good. But I’ve had many revelations that many of them are full of shit. I was trying to think of a better, political way of saying this, and could think of none. I’m tired of stating that I’m a grown woman and don’t have time for foolishness, but time after time these men keep coming at men incorrectly. I’ve come to realize that they are naïve to who I am. No I am not a superstar or top model or even an undercover queen. I am simply a woman who has matured beyond the boundaries of trivial child’s play. I don’t want to play games like charades, or truth or dare, or hide and seek. I don’t even want to play tag.  I wake up to punch a clock daily. There’s no room for recess or free play. I wish every man who may ever cross my path could read this blog for the sake of my time and patience. Stop approaching me when you have shit on your breath because that’s all your full of. I don’t have any tissue to wipe it, water to rinse it, shovel to scoop, or toilet to flush it. It’s not going to do anything but sit there and stink up my atmosphere. So please take that shit that a way. This situation irritates me, yes, but I am not angry. I know how to look at all these pointless situations with optimism. Hey I could be stuck on that same play ground, playing those same childish games. But thank God for the gift of sight…  I see you nigga and because you seem to not have realized, the bell has rang.

Turning Point

Life is hard. A righteous life is even harder. I am battling everyday with this murderous thing called flesh. The Bible says we have to die daily, but I’ve tried to compromise this fact in hopes that I can let it stay alive occasionally, as if I can override God’s word. How silly we can be. He blatantly told us that He would rather us be either hot or cold because He spits out the lukewarm. That alone is deep to me. But why Lord? Why can’t I still get into heaven with living half way right? Why can’t I do what pleases me sometimes? Dang. This holy thing is hard! Truth be told, it is. Scriptures that tell us to pick up our cross and bare it immediately comes to mind. Off first glance, that doesn’t seem too bad. Yeah it’ll be heavy and everything, but we can do it. So easily we forget that we are walking with Christ and as we walk we will be beaten, spit on, persecuted, lied on and betrayed. He who loves me shall keep my commands. And I must pause there and praise God I haven’t been sent to hell. I can’t speak for everyone, but I, myself, know what he requires of his children. No I may not know them all but I know enough to know that according to His word, I do not love Him. To love Him is to hate the world, and yet I can admit that I still find myself being entertained in the devil’s kingdom. The truth hurts and my heart is cramped with pain. And for this pain I am grateful. Conviction is good; for we know what we are doing is wrong and feel it necessary to stop. Ignored conviction is deadly. People try to justify sin every day. Well God knows my heart. And that should be enough for us to repent and ask for a new one, for God told us that the heart is evil and desperately wicked. Well, God is forgiving and as long as I repent I’ll be alright. Are you serious? Yes God is a forgiving God, but people misunderstand repentance. To repent is not to saying I’m sorry and keep on sinning. Rather to ask for forgiveness and to turn from our evil ways. If I were to punch you in the face and then say sorry, then proceed to hit you again am I sorry? Obviously I am not. I say it in hopes that you don’t retaliate against me. This is what I do to God every Time I stumble in my house after a night out or wash his residue from my body or brush the smell of tobacco from my mouth. I don’t want to keep hurting God and lying with the word “sorry”. I know that if this continues I will feel His wrath and will pay with my life.  So my flesh must be killed by the spirit and my spirit must live in Christ. I must walk on this narrow path, carrying this heavy cross, living by the bloody gospel. To the heathen this would sound like a curse, but the righteous rejoices. How blessed am I?

Second Read

You're deep like a Maya Angelou poem
Off first glance
I was confused by the gibberish That's irrelevant to me
But something grabbed my attention
So I read it a second time
Deciphering through metaphors
Analyzing the reasoning behind each line
Then the switch comes on
Of course this piece isn't stupid
My thoughts were just too shallow
To swim against the currents of passion
And I sit disappointed
Who am I to question a poem
Was I there when the encounter that inspired occurred
Was the process explained to me
No
I'm just naive tot he fact that great has various compositions
So I humbly admit my amateur thoughts
And hope you give me another piece to read

Fearful to Faithful

I’m scared. Like, truly scared. There’s passion boiling inside of me, and it spews out of my very being, but so what. I am not in the place to chase dreams and survive off of hope. Hell, I have bills to pay. Dreams won’t fill my child’s stomach, or keep us in a home. I love to love, but even love won’t keep the car running. How will I pursue my goals and take on the financial burden of them when I can barely succeed now? Don’t get me wrong, I am truly blessed, but when options are tight and money is funny, fear acts like a shadow. It’s not always present and when it is you don’t really notice it. But when you take that time to examine your surroundings, there it is; on the side of you, behind you, moving in sync with the rest of you. Hey I’m just being honest. Though I can boldly state this, I am shamed. Not for the fact that you will judge me (hell, you’re going to that anyways), but for the fact that I am operating in direct disobedience to my Father. He warned me about that whole fear factor several times, but there is one that sticks to my mind. “I did not give you a spirit of fear, but of love, peace, and a sound mind.” I sit and ponder on His Word. If he did not give it to me, then who did? He told me that every gift He gives is good. So with that, I know that I need to discard fear. Man that is hard. There Peter Pan was trying to catch his shadow, and here I am trying to get rid of mine. I see the difference between reality and Never Never Land. “Love, peace, and a sound mind.” I am glad Christ reminds me that this was what he bestowed upon me because I will need each and every one of these to make it. I cannot stay in the position I’m in, barely making it and looking at my desires as if a small child looking in the pet shop. I have to go get what is mine. I know that the first step I must take is not a step at all. It is time to kneel down and let God lead me. We can all relate to those footprints in the sand, and if I have to do it again, I don’t mind Him carrying me. But this time, I will know from the beginning that it was Jesus who carried me through. The disciplines asked God to increase their faith and I too need the same. I have to be able to walk out on faith like that water Peter step on to get to Jesus. But before I can do that I have to detach myself from fear, unless I sink.

Thank You To Men

As a strong, single mother, taking on all the responsibilities of a household, I want to send a thank you to all the men who listen to that God given intuition to be a good father. The world has some and I personally can recognize a few. Not only do I acknowledge you, I applaud you and give you the upmost respect. As I continue to grow, the world is like a whirlwind and I can’t seem to grip logic involving many things. Like why do I feel it necessary to applaud a man for doing what was destined for him? If he has produced a child, he is meant to be a father. Sadly to say this fact means very little to a very large group of the male species. But to the men who work hard to support their families, instill knowledge and discipline in their children, and lend a helping hand to better society, thank you. To the men that have to jump through hoops and cross hell’s fires just to have a relationship with their children because the other have of their offspring is ignorant, I apologize. Life is hard enough without someone beating you over the back with bullshit, so my hat goes off to you for enduring the pain.  To the men who have rescued their children from the detrimental torment of unfit mothers, I love you. Not everyone is meant to be a parent and for you acknowledging that in your child’s mother and stepping up where she fell off is honored with my highest respect. To the men who adopt the role of being a father, you hold a soft spot in my heart and a tear of joy in my eye. You are of noble character to take on the responsibility of a male not willing to be a man. To love and care for the next man’s abandoned pride is like a fairy tale. Knight in shinning armor you are and I bow in respect to you. And to those men who have more issues than Readers’ Digest  and run from the blessed responsibility of fatherhood, I even thank you. No need in creating spinoffs of your issues out of the children. Not ever male is strong enough to be a man, and I respect the truth of that. I would rather you leave like a coward and force the mothers to step into the strength she never knew she had, than to leave the whole house in ruins. So in the end, I thank God because He is the one who knows what is best for each situation.  And though the picture of good men and fathers is microscopic, I thank God for all of you.

Come Correct or Go Away

As I get older and more mature in my spirit and mind, I sit confused. While writing down the things I am to work on to better myself as a person, I also wrote down the things that must accompany a man in order to be a potential prospect in courtship. Holding the top three positions are 1. A job 2. A car 3. A place of his own. Even typing this right now I am perplexed. Why is it necessary for me to right this down? I’ll tell you why; because men don’t seem to understand that these things are essential for me to even consider you a man, let alone a man worth me investing in. I am 25 years old, holding down two jobs, paying my own car note, living on my own, and taking damn good care of my child on my own. Why on earth would I ever get involved with someone who can’t even offer me the equivalent of myself when he is supposed to be my better half? The saying goes, “I can do bad all by myself” and I add “but I won’t”. Now, I won’t blame these fellas that don’t have anything totally for my confusion because yes, only a short while ago did I give them room to play. I would never sit here a lie and say that I’ve never got involved with a guy that fits this description that falls short of a man, but I am a grown woman now and I’ve put childish things away.  So I take this time to say if you don’t have anything on your own, I don’t have anything to offer you. Do they really think that good looks and a charming personality are suffice? They do; well boys do anyways and I graduated from high school years ago. Am I supposed to be preparing to be a good wife, or a mother to the world? Dealing with boys hoping to blend in with men are the reason I am where I am in life. I’m not mad at the lesson learn, but believe that I do not need to repeat the course. The only boy I’m allowing in my life is the one who emerged from my womb. Being an adult is hard, but aging by the day and never becoming one makes an even harder life. Simply put, I refuse to take on that burden that belongs to someone else.