I’m scared. Like, truly scared. There’s passion boiling inside of me, and it spews out of my very being, but so what. I am not in the place to chase dreams and survive off of hope. Hell, I have bills to pay. Dreams won’t fill my child’s stomach, or keep us in a home. I love to love, but even love won’t keep the car running. How will I pursue my goals and take on the financial burden of them when I can barely succeed now? Don’t get me wrong, I am truly blessed, but when options are tight and money is funny, fear acts like a shadow. It’s not always present and when it is you don’t really notice it. But when you take that time to examine your surroundings, there it is; on the side of you, behind you, moving in sync with the rest of you. Hey I’m just being honest. Though I can boldly state this, I am shamed. Not for the fact that you will judge me (hell, you’re going to that anyways), but for the fact that I am operating in direct disobedience to my Father. He warned me about that whole fear factor several times, but there is one that sticks to my mind. “I did not give you a spirit of fear, but of love, peace, and a sound mind.” I sit and ponder on His Word. If he did not give it to me, then who did? He told me that every gift He gives is good. So with that, I know that I need to discard fear. Man that is hard. There Peter Pan was trying to catch his shadow, and here I am trying to get rid of mine. I see the difference between reality and Never Never Land. “Love, peace, and a sound mind.” I am glad Christ reminds me that this was what he bestowed upon me because I will need each and every one of these to make it. I cannot stay in the position I’m in, barely making it and looking at my desires as if a small child looking in the pet shop. I have to go get what is mine. I know that the first step I must take is not a step at all. It is time to kneel down and let God lead me. We can all relate to those footprints in the sand, and if I have to do it again, I don’t mind Him carrying me. But this time, I will know from the beginning that it was Jesus who carried me through. The disciplines asked God to increase their faith and I too need the same. I have to be able to walk out on faith like that water Peter step on to get to Jesus. But before I can do that I have to detach myself from fear, unless I sink.
Very touching. This makes me sad, and yet I understand all too well what you're speaking of. It feels like you've been working and working and sacrificing and yet you're still looking into the window longingly. It's very alarming when you've made your "power play" and ended up further back than when you began. We all need faith, but getting ahead shouldn't be so difficult when you play by the rules. Are there options? We sometimes point at large Mexican families living together and laugh, but maybe a time is coming when we need to become more interdependent on family and friends. This is a major no no to most of us who have grown up here in America, but I believe the changing reality here is going to call for a new approach to living. You should know that you're not the only one dealing with these very acute mental, physical and spiritual challenges. There are millions of us. Keep the faith.
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