Child's Play

They say time is money and I have a shortage on them both. This is why I rarely entertain the thought of dating. Now, I haven’t been scorched to the point that I think all men are dogs and none can be trusted or mean any good. But I’ve had many revelations that many of them are full of shit. I was trying to think of a better, political way of saying this, and could think of none. I’m tired of stating that I’m a grown woman and don’t have time for foolishness, but time after time these men keep coming at men incorrectly. I’ve come to realize that they are naïve to who I am. No I am not a superstar or top model or even an undercover queen. I am simply a woman who has matured beyond the boundaries of trivial child’s play. I don’t want to play games like charades, or truth or dare, or hide and seek. I don’t even want to play tag.  I wake up to punch a clock daily. There’s no room for recess or free play. I wish every man who may ever cross my path could read this blog for the sake of my time and patience. Stop approaching me when you have shit on your breath because that’s all your full of. I don’t have any tissue to wipe it, water to rinse it, shovel to scoop, or toilet to flush it. It’s not going to do anything but sit there and stink up my atmosphere. So please take that shit that a way. This situation irritates me, yes, but I am not angry. I know how to look at all these pointless situations with optimism. Hey I could be stuck on that same play ground, playing those same childish games. But thank God for the gift of sight…  I see you nigga and because you seem to not have realized, the bell has rang.

Turning Point

Life is hard. A righteous life is even harder. I am battling everyday with this murderous thing called flesh. The Bible says we have to die daily, but I’ve tried to compromise this fact in hopes that I can let it stay alive occasionally, as if I can override God’s word. How silly we can be. He blatantly told us that He would rather us be either hot or cold because He spits out the lukewarm. That alone is deep to me. But why Lord? Why can’t I still get into heaven with living half way right? Why can’t I do what pleases me sometimes? Dang. This holy thing is hard! Truth be told, it is. Scriptures that tell us to pick up our cross and bare it immediately comes to mind. Off first glance, that doesn’t seem too bad. Yeah it’ll be heavy and everything, but we can do it. So easily we forget that we are walking with Christ and as we walk we will be beaten, spit on, persecuted, lied on and betrayed. He who loves me shall keep my commands. And I must pause there and praise God I haven’t been sent to hell. I can’t speak for everyone, but I, myself, know what he requires of his children. No I may not know them all but I know enough to know that according to His word, I do not love Him. To love Him is to hate the world, and yet I can admit that I still find myself being entertained in the devil’s kingdom. The truth hurts and my heart is cramped with pain. And for this pain I am grateful. Conviction is good; for we know what we are doing is wrong and feel it necessary to stop. Ignored conviction is deadly. People try to justify sin every day. Well God knows my heart. And that should be enough for us to repent and ask for a new one, for God told us that the heart is evil and desperately wicked. Well, God is forgiving and as long as I repent I’ll be alright. Are you serious? Yes God is a forgiving God, but people misunderstand repentance. To repent is not to saying I’m sorry and keep on sinning. Rather to ask for forgiveness and to turn from our evil ways. If I were to punch you in the face and then say sorry, then proceed to hit you again am I sorry? Obviously I am not. I say it in hopes that you don’t retaliate against me. This is what I do to God every Time I stumble in my house after a night out or wash his residue from my body or brush the smell of tobacco from my mouth. I don’t want to keep hurting God and lying with the word “sorry”. I know that if this continues I will feel His wrath and will pay with my life.  So my flesh must be killed by the spirit and my spirit must live in Christ. I must walk on this narrow path, carrying this heavy cross, living by the bloody gospel. To the heathen this would sound like a curse, but the righteous rejoices. How blessed am I?

Second Read

You're deep like a Maya Angelou poem
Off first glance
I was confused by the gibberish That's irrelevant to me
But something grabbed my attention
So I read it a second time
Deciphering through metaphors
Analyzing the reasoning behind each line
Then the switch comes on
Of course this piece isn't stupid
My thoughts were just too shallow
To swim against the currents of passion
And I sit disappointed
Who am I to question a poem
Was I there when the encounter that inspired occurred
Was the process explained to me
No
I'm just naive tot he fact that great has various compositions
So I humbly admit my amateur thoughts
And hope you give me another piece to read

Fearful to Faithful

I’m scared. Like, truly scared. There’s passion boiling inside of me, and it spews out of my very being, but so what. I am not in the place to chase dreams and survive off of hope. Hell, I have bills to pay. Dreams won’t fill my child’s stomach, or keep us in a home. I love to love, but even love won’t keep the car running. How will I pursue my goals and take on the financial burden of them when I can barely succeed now? Don’t get me wrong, I am truly blessed, but when options are tight and money is funny, fear acts like a shadow. It’s not always present and when it is you don’t really notice it. But when you take that time to examine your surroundings, there it is; on the side of you, behind you, moving in sync with the rest of you. Hey I’m just being honest. Though I can boldly state this, I am shamed. Not for the fact that you will judge me (hell, you’re going to that anyways), but for the fact that I am operating in direct disobedience to my Father. He warned me about that whole fear factor several times, but there is one that sticks to my mind. “I did not give you a spirit of fear, but of love, peace, and a sound mind.” I sit and ponder on His Word. If he did not give it to me, then who did? He told me that every gift He gives is good. So with that, I know that I need to discard fear. Man that is hard. There Peter Pan was trying to catch his shadow, and here I am trying to get rid of mine. I see the difference between reality and Never Never Land. “Love, peace, and a sound mind.” I am glad Christ reminds me that this was what he bestowed upon me because I will need each and every one of these to make it. I cannot stay in the position I’m in, barely making it and looking at my desires as if a small child looking in the pet shop. I have to go get what is mine. I know that the first step I must take is not a step at all. It is time to kneel down and let God lead me. We can all relate to those footprints in the sand, and if I have to do it again, I don’t mind Him carrying me. But this time, I will know from the beginning that it was Jesus who carried me through. The disciplines asked God to increase their faith and I too need the same. I have to be able to walk out on faith like that water Peter step on to get to Jesus. But before I can do that I have to detach myself from fear, unless I sink.

Thank You To Men

As a strong, single mother, taking on all the responsibilities of a household, I want to send a thank you to all the men who listen to that God given intuition to be a good father. The world has some and I personally can recognize a few. Not only do I acknowledge you, I applaud you and give you the upmost respect. As I continue to grow, the world is like a whirlwind and I can’t seem to grip logic involving many things. Like why do I feel it necessary to applaud a man for doing what was destined for him? If he has produced a child, he is meant to be a father. Sadly to say this fact means very little to a very large group of the male species. But to the men who work hard to support their families, instill knowledge and discipline in their children, and lend a helping hand to better society, thank you. To the men that have to jump through hoops and cross hell’s fires just to have a relationship with their children because the other have of their offspring is ignorant, I apologize. Life is hard enough without someone beating you over the back with bullshit, so my hat goes off to you for enduring the pain.  To the men who have rescued their children from the detrimental torment of unfit mothers, I love you. Not everyone is meant to be a parent and for you acknowledging that in your child’s mother and stepping up where she fell off is honored with my highest respect. To the men who adopt the role of being a father, you hold a soft spot in my heart and a tear of joy in my eye. You are of noble character to take on the responsibility of a male not willing to be a man. To love and care for the next man’s abandoned pride is like a fairy tale. Knight in shinning armor you are and I bow in respect to you. And to those men who have more issues than Readers’ Digest  and run from the blessed responsibility of fatherhood, I even thank you. No need in creating spinoffs of your issues out of the children. Not ever male is strong enough to be a man, and I respect the truth of that. I would rather you leave like a coward and force the mothers to step into the strength she never knew she had, than to leave the whole house in ruins. So in the end, I thank God because He is the one who knows what is best for each situation.  And though the picture of good men and fathers is microscopic, I thank God for all of you.

Come Correct or Go Away

As I get older and more mature in my spirit and mind, I sit confused. While writing down the things I am to work on to better myself as a person, I also wrote down the things that must accompany a man in order to be a potential prospect in courtship. Holding the top three positions are 1. A job 2. A car 3. A place of his own. Even typing this right now I am perplexed. Why is it necessary for me to right this down? I’ll tell you why; because men don’t seem to understand that these things are essential for me to even consider you a man, let alone a man worth me investing in. I am 25 years old, holding down two jobs, paying my own car note, living on my own, and taking damn good care of my child on my own. Why on earth would I ever get involved with someone who can’t even offer me the equivalent of myself when he is supposed to be my better half? The saying goes, “I can do bad all by myself” and I add “but I won’t”. Now, I won’t blame these fellas that don’t have anything totally for my confusion because yes, only a short while ago did I give them room to play. I would never sit here a lie and say that I’ve never got involved with a guy that fits this description that falls short of a man, but I am a grown woman now and I’ve put childish things away.  So I take this time to say if you don’t have anything on your own, I don’t have anything to offer you. Do they really think that good looks and a charming personality are suffice? They do; well boys do anyways and I graduated from high school years ago. Am I supposed to be preparing to be a good wife, or a mother to the world? Dealing with boys hoping to blend in with men are the reason I am where I am in life. I’m not mad at the lesson learn, but believe that I do not need to repeat the course. The only boy I’m allowing in my life is the one who emerged from my womb. Being an adult is hard, but aging by the day and never becoming one makes an even harder life. Simply put, I refuse to take on that burden that belongs to someone else.

Thank You Note: For Razon

Beautiful ebony dipped in caramel
What a sweet sight to see
Never had a role model
But you are just like the woman I want to be
Genuine and kind
God has blessed the world with you
Humble greatness drizzled with confidence
Like you where put here for us to look up to
Well at least I tilt my head up to the heavens
Not only out of respect
But I too feel the boldness in your presence
I love how you're so cool with being yourself
But if I were you
I wouldn't want to be anyone else
But in all do respect
I'm content with being your cousin
Treasure you can bank on
You're something like what they call a dime a dozen
Discernment of a wise mother
But carefree as adolescence
There's understanding in your heart
You're nothing short of a blessing
And I thank God for you
Making a dream of being wonderful so close I can touch it
So I embrace you with love
As you empower my soul and think nothing of it
I call you my family
But you treat me like a friend
On a normal numeric scale
You surpass the ten
At least in my book you are definitely a highlight
An inspiration of life
And for this reason I write
For elevating a young woman such as myself
To the point where we're at a higher altitude
This is my thank you letter
Enclose is my gratitude