Dear mama (message from the unborn)

Fearfully and wonderfully made
Wonder why they feared me so much
That they aborted the thought as soon as it was conceived
But truth be told
I was not a thought
But a gift from God that they didn't receive well
God doesn't make mistakes so I am confused on why they labeled me such
The mistake was that they thought they were Him
And that they actually created me
But she was simply the means chosen for me to arrive
Or not
And now my blood is on her hands and stains her heart as a reminder
It was not a surgical procedure performed but a murder committed
And to God you will have to answer
What hurts more than the tearing of my limbs from my body and being sucked out of my dwelling place by evil means
 is the fact that it was my mother's choice
They say there's no love like a mothers love
Well I will have to concur
Because the lack of it caused my destruction and I have no get back
I heard them tell her it is her right to choose
Just too bad she didn't choose right
Instead  she left me like an abandoned dream
But only worse
See if I was abandoned someone could have found me
instead I was aborted
and my remains became the responsibility of the garbage man
Yes I was conceived out of rape
 but how does murdering me make you a victim
Ok you didn't have any money to raise me
but killing me only out a hole in your heart and money n the next man's pocket
Sure my father left you pregnant and broken
But taking my left only changed one of those facts
Mama you were supposed to keep me safe from harm
Instead you handed me over like a forfeit
But what you failed to realize is that I am of you and attached to you
And The premature evacuation of your womb took a part of you too
When I died so did you
Good thing I met the Redeemer who restored my life eternally
He called me His child which made me cry tears of joy
Because that was the first time I was ever called this
Mistake, accident, mishap and problem were the only names I knew
Guess I did have get back after all
And I smile to know that He is willing to do the same for you
My Father promised He would never leave me or forsake me
And I'm sure He's willing to teach you
 so my brother or sister will have a chance in the world
And if not He will welcome them I His family with open arms too
But I pray that you encounter the Creator's son
His name s Jesus and He actually understands my plight
Because His Father allowed Him to die too
The only difference is
 His death offered eternal life to the unjust who Chose to call upon Him
But I won't say my death was in vain either
It gave me the opportunity to meet the Savior
So I could tell you about Him
And beg you to accept Him in your life
My rejection was enough
Because you are my mother
My heart longs to meet you still
But this time we will have no end

All Woman

I have recently given up on strapping another four to six inches around my ankles. I must admit, it is quite a silly sight seeing a lady swaying six feet plus in the air. I'm supposed to be at least 6'4 with the hills on but I only manage 6'2 since extending my leg completely seems impossible. Time and time again I tried, wasting money and beating down my esteem. WHY? Why can't I wear these stupid hills? It's like every other woman in the world can do so. I mean, even the 60 year- old ladies be strutting. COME ON!!!!
Then I realized this is more than an issue with hills. It's actually an issue with being a woman. It seems like everything that constitutes one as a woman I have rejected... The hills, the nails, eyelashes, "long" hair, foundation, pedicures every week... EVERYTHING!!! Dang some men are better women than me!
Then the Comforter reminded me, "Be in the world, not of the world". I am not saying a holy woman can't have or do these things, but they are trivial and cater to the flesh that we should be killing anyway. So I must guard my mind from the foolish thoughts of thinking things can make me what I was by nature meant to be. So the quest is no longer being a woman, but a Godly woman. Instead of worrying about what I put on me I begin to concentrate on what I put in me. Hills are meant to make you higher, when I need to be lowering myself into a state of humility. Foundation is meant to cover up, and I need the Lord to search me and remove what is unclean. Instead of putting on eyelashes, I need to be removing the plank from my eye. While some are concerned about getting their feet done, I need to make sure my are traveling on that straight and narrow road. Lastly, the only nails I need to be focused on are the ones that held my Savior to the cross for my sins.
At the end of the day, I am 100% woman who is trying to be a child of God.

Changing Nothing

My heart is heavy

Deeply burdened

With nothing

This is what I see the children aspiring to be

What mothers send them to school with

And what sits waiting to greet them when they get home

This is what the fathers work so hard to achieve

So they can pass it down to their offspring

This is the focal point of many conversations

And the idea that carouse many youthful actions

This is the biggest investment of today

Which has the greatest yield

It multiplies 30, 60, some 90 folds

We are reaping the harvest of our sowing

We’ve given sweat, blood, and tears to purchase this

We have earned this rightfully

We have put nothing into existence

And I sit saddened

Nothing is what keeps me awake at night

Nothing is what sits on my mind

I am working so hard to change nothing

My heart is heavy

Deeply burdened

With nothing

But praise God for mercy

For this is what covers nothing

“Come you all that labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest

See this is why I call Him Aba

Not because I need rest

But because I need His love

For He is love and I need Him in me

I need to love nothing

Suffer long with nothing

Learn not to judge nothing or provoke nothing

Most of all I need to believe in nothing

Hope in nothing

And endure for nothing

Because this is what I’ve been called to do

Humble myself to nothing

And from here start to build something

Because with God

All things are possible

Even adding something to nothing

To gain a difference

My Best is Effortless

Many months ago I heard a song say, "He saw the best in me". I didn't think too much on it unlit my dear brother forced me to. Then I smiled a sympathetic smile as I realized the deception which lies beneath. We as people, even Christians, want to paint a picture that we are ok. Many Christians talk with an underlying tone that we were good before just not good enough. When in fact the Bible, which is what we as Christians hold as truth, Jesus states that, "there's is no good man. No not one". But I understand it is hard to believe that everyone is bad because in a carnal sense it is false. But Satan is the ruler of this world, so here we fall into the rule outlined in the humorous movie, Vampire in Brooklyn, "EVIL IS GOOD". When bluntly said this rule makes no sense, but remember Satan is the father of all lies, and a master of deceit.. The Bible goes on to tell us that the heart is desperately wicked.We have to remember that this is in correlation with Christ. So to bring it full circle, it is ludicrous to compose a song which sings so joyously, "He saw the best in me" without further explanation. I am not writing this to tear down my fellow co-servants, simply to remind us that the best in us is not the community service we do, the uplifting words we share, or the money we donate, but the predestination of Christ. He saw the best in me, which was His own mercy on my soul, that I would not perish. Mercy is a gift, salvation is a gift and faith to believe in them both is indeed a gift, all from the Heavenly Father. The best in me is in fact not me at all. WOW!!!!!

New Year Resolved

I'm nervous. Not quite sure why but today I have been a little uneased; getting caught up in the hype of a new year, which doesn't mean too much of anything. Many begin each year the same, stacking high hopes on what they will accomplish, discard and change in the year that has approached faster than anyone could have imagined. But I know that January first is simply another day, and blessed are those who live to see it just like the second, third, and fourth. Tomorrow we will celebrate for it is tradition, not that anything has been accomplished. Yes we will be thankful that God has found us worthy of another day of breath, but that is aside from ourselves. I believe this feeling that is within me is greater than the thoughts that reside in my mind. God is moving and I need to keep my life line connected to Him so that I will know in which direction to move so that I will stay in alignment with His will. He has revealed so much to me within this year and blessed me above anything I "deserved" and for that I am grateful. I know that the woman am I being called to be has been in the making for a long time, but the mold of her has just begun to form. I believe this is why I am anxious. Prayers are being answered and I am being held accountable. To who much is given, much is required. I just pray I can deliver. Not in the new year, but for the rest of my life. I remember that a day to the Lord is like a thousand to us and a thousand to Him is like a day to us. A new year to me is simply be a tick in time for the Lord Jesus so I release all expectation for 2012 and just submit to God's will and pray for the courage to deliver...

Hard Truth

I'm a coward. Living behind bogus excuses. The world was placed in my hands, and I gave it back thinking it was heavier than I imagined. We pray for everything we want but leave out minor details. If it's been omitted from the checklist then it's implied it's not important. And it's not; but this statement is only true when we don't set our sights on worldly things. Worldly, cranial, flesh. It's here only to carry the sinful deeds. I thought I killed that thing, and yet it's all I see. Caught up on what I think  instead of what I feel. But love is to touch the heart, and now I'm on a head trip. Mistakes are made when learning. What have I learned from this? I'm weaker than I thought. Too weak to carry the world I so badly wanted.

Hold On

Catching my attention
Caught me off guard
But held it like a baby
Gently caressing my curiosity
And nourishing my need to know
My spirit can't help but giggle
Smiles cover my face like kisses
And feel good shoots through me like chills
The unexpected has captured me
And I dance behind its bars
Musician, magician
Is this some kind of trick
Illusion of my imagination
Because this is almost unbelievable
But I'm a little captivated
Not knowing how this happened
Or what exactly it is
A self- proclaimed intellect
My mind can't rest with the thought
Running to different possible outcomes
Until I force it to stop
Or at lest pause long enough to enjoy the moment
Because the grip on my attention is firm
Squeezing contentment from it like peaches
Sweet and savoring
And I must admit
I can't help but indulge a little
Praying I don't become guilty of gluttony
And at the same time let the worry of it cause self- deprivation
Because if I'm honest
I don't know what the hell I'm doing
But they say ignorance is bliss
So until it's made plain
I'll continue to dance behind the bars that hold me
In the wonderful world of here and now.

Humble Thy Self

Humility is HARD
It's like moving a brick wall with your mind
I mean you mind as well ask penguins to fly
Because pride is not flexible
So bending down to submission is almost impossible
It's almost like that psycho killer that won't die
So killing it daily...
MAN
It's looking like David and Goliath
And only with God can this giant come down
So I must continuously ask for a renewed mind in the Spirit
And remember that God blesses the humble
Keeping His Word at the forefront of everything
Because it's the only weapon I have to fight this principality
Serve your earthly master with sincerity as unto the Lord
OOOOO JESUS HELP ME!!!!
But if David can spare Saul's life for Your Name sake
Then surely I can spare my two cents
That ain't worth nothing but a write up anyways
Because the other day I was reading Proverbs
And it was chopping me up like a song mixed down in Texas
Because pride is a prominent characteristic of a fool
So the most I can do is repent
And ask for help
Because I'd rather sooner than later master the humble bow
So I can gracefully exit stage left

Fatherless Child

There are many fatherless people in the world, and a lot of men who are less than fathers. Not because they are incapable of conceiving a child, rather they lack the drive, determination, courage, and emotional capacity to lead the ones they do bring into the world. Now, I know that the entire nation knows this and I'm not one to sit here and state the obvious, but rather share bits and pieces of my own experience.
The one person I care about more than any other human being is yet a victim of this exact circumstance. He doesn't know what a father is; the meaning, the feeling. He is a young boy left with a mother that is filled with sympathy, regret, and shame for her careless choice of picking someone not deserving to be filtered into his DNA or engraved in her heart.
As of now my son knows all of nothing about the father's side of the family. Never seen his father, can't recall his uncle, and talks to his granddad whenever I call him. Now I know most everyone says don't take it personal, it's not my fault that they don't care. True, true enough. I can't make anyone do anything, hell it's hard enough making myself do things, but I must take the blame. I was the one who chose this life for my son. It was my mistake that got us here. Now I do thank God that we want for nothing (financially) but have all of our needs.... his needs been met? Everyone needs a father, right? I guess in all honesty one is not needed past the moment if conception, for that's the only time many children have had any contact with their fathers. They're not needed to survive, but they are longed for from all those lacking one. As a responsible woman I was supposed to make sure I put myself and my child in the best position to make sure this desire was fulfilled, but I was foolish and failed at the task. So I have realized that some of my irritation, almost to resentment, for the other half of my child's family is an indirect feeling towards myself. And yes I have forgiven myself for such wrong doing, but forgiveness doesn't erase the consequences of those actions.

This is Me

I'm a masterpiece
Engulfed in imperfection
You gotta love me

I don't want it

Sharing is caring
But you could have kept that shit
I don't do drama

Breaking the Chains

Acceptance is key
Most are trapped in denial
I need my freedom

Strong Black Man (Haiku)

Black man in power
Makes them tremble to the core
Let's cause an earthquake

Just a thought

Man's hardest struggle is also that of a woman.
And sin is executed by the flesh.
And the greatest desired sin is flesh on flesh.
How ironic.

Be Careful What You Pray For

I can admit that I am a prideful person. Humility is something that has been in my prayers often for the past few weeks. I earnestly have been praying for a humble, meek spirit; not wanting to be the short tempered, never wrong, hard to let it go Sharree. I want to be like the woman God calls His daughters to be. This week I was shown how far from the goal I truly am.

While at work I became upset with the directions of those holding authoritative positions over me. Of course I felt like I was being singled out and my actions of wrong doing were being blown out of proportion. If I can be blunt, I had a whole episode over taking an extended break without the knowledge of those controlling the floor. It was said that I took a break twice as long as that allotted to me, when in reality I did take one five minutes over, which is why I was wrong. For this I was removed from the preferred location I was in and placed in the least desirable. To add insult to injury, when I had a fellow associate tell them that I actually took a later break then expected I was told that they didn't care and I should have went when I was told. The reason for me not doing so was actually to help customers and allow my relief to go to the restroom. So immediately I was irritated for doing what I believed was the right thing.

As the day went on so did the attitude of me and the associates over me. I helped my customers as I always do, assisting them with their needs, directing them to the right isle, and asking did they need assistance. Though my irritation was obvious, I didn't let it keep me from my responsibilities. While standing in the spot I dread the most I had an awakening happen in my spirit. The Holy Spirit reminded me that I was working on being humble. This told me that I should let go of my attitude and have a "sir sir, yes ma'am" attitude. You know what I told the Holy Spirit? "I'll be humble tomorrow". Yes I did! I got at God just like that! Less than twenty minutes later I was called into the office to discuss my attitude. To be frank, my manager checked me. He reminded me that the store had no obligations to keep me and that my "behavior" was unacceptable. Now, I had many problems with the speech he gave me, one being most of the things he said were incorrect but I simply told him the situation and let the rest go. When the meeting was over, I still had respect for him and realized that I did need to be checked. Later I thanked him for it.

Later that day God spoke to me again. He reminded me that it was I who decided to dismiss Him. He told me that I was to be humble, I told Him "tomorrow". He came back to me and told me that I had been mistaken. He is a prayer answering God and I have been praying for humility and yet when put in a situation to practice it I refused. Since I refused to do it on my own, He had it done for me, through my manager. If I would have been obedient it would have been water under the bridge, but since I wasn't now I have to worry about my work situation for the summer. Obedience in greater than sacrifice, and for my lack of it, I was led to repent.

Young Man

Young man,
Why are your pants hanging like that?
Didn't you know that number on the tag is the inches for your waist?
And young man,
Why would you holler, "what's up wit it" to me?
Sir, I have no idea, but the only way I'd know you were interested in my was if you asked how am doing
Young man,
Why are you driving around aimlessly?
Why don't you have a job to get to?
As a matter of fact
Who car is that anyways?
Didn't you hear that it's better to lend and not borrow?
Young man,
Why are you so angry?
Was it really the world that did you wrong?
And excuse me young man,
Why did you call me out of my name?
See that's exactly why I ignored you in the first place
As a matter of fact,
Don't you have a chick?
Why are you in my face anyways?
Young man,
Why do you refer to her as "my bitch"?
You are helping put fuel to the fire.
And young man,
Why do you call your children "my niggas"?
Can't you see the problem when daddy's ordaining them to be ignorant fools?
Young man,
Why is your mission to steal, kill, and destroy?
Didn't you know that's what the devil was sent here for?
Oh young man,
where have your morals and conscience gone?
You know you're no use with them by the wayside?
Young man,
Why would you choose this destructive path?
Don't you remember the pain daddy caused when he chose it?
Young man,
Why not be bold and try something new?
You mind as well because as of now, you've already failed.
Young man,
Don't you know I use the term loosely?
In reality, your simply a male.
Young man,
I pray for you often.
Because my son and yours needs someone to look up to.
Young Man,
Take ownership of the title
And fulfill your responsibilities
Young man,
I love you deeply
Don't let my love or yourself die in vain
Young man.

Child's Play

They say time is money and I have a shortage on them both. This is why I rarely entertain the thought of dating. Now, I haven’t been scorched to the point that I think all men are dogs and none can be trusted or mean any good. But I’ve had many revelations that many of them are full of shit. I was trying to think of a better, political way of saying this, and could think of none. I’m tired of stating that I’m a grown woman and don’t have time for foolishness, but time after time these men keep coming at men incorrectly. I’ve come to realize that they are naïve to who I am. No I am not a superstar or top model or even an undercover queen. I am simply a woman who has matured beyond the boundaries of trivial child’s play. I don’t want to play games like charades, or truth or dare, or hide and seek. I don’t even want to play tag.  I wake up to punch a clock daily. There’s no room for recess or free play. I wish every man who may ever cross my path could read this blog for the sake of my time and patience. Stop approaching me when you have shit on your breath because that’s all your full of. I don’t have any tissue to wipe it, water to rinse it, shovel to scoop, or toilet to flush it. It’s not going to do anything but sit there and stink up my atmosphere. So please take that shit that a way. This situation irritates me, yes, but I am not angry. I know how to look at all these pointless situations with optimism. Hey I could be stuck on that same play ground, playing those same childish games. But thank God for the gift of sight…  I see you nigga and because you seem to not have realized, the bell has rang.

Turning Point

Life is hard. A righteous life is even harder. I am battling everyday with this murderous thing called flesh. The Bible says we have to die daily, but I’ve tried to compromise this fact in hopes that I can let it stay alive occasionally, as if I can override God’s word. How silly we can be. He blatantly told us that He would rather us be either hot or cold because He spits out the lukewarm. That alone is deep to me. But why Lord? Why can’t I still get into heaven with living half way right? Why can’t I do what pleases me sometimes? Dang. This holy thing is hard! Truth be told, it is. Scriptures that tell us to pick up our cross and bare it immediately comes to mind. Off first glance, that doesn’t seem too bad. Yeah it’ll be heavy and everything, but we can do it. So easily we forget that we are walking with Christ and as we walk we will be beaten, spit on, persecuted, lied on and betrayed. He who loves me shall keep my commands. And I must pause there and praise God I haven’t been sent to hell. I can’t speak for everyone, but I, myself, know what he requires of his children. No I may not know them all but I know enough to know that according to His word, I do not love Him. To love Him is to hate the world, and yet I can admit that I still find myself being entertained in the devil’s kingdom. The truth hurts and my heart is cramped with pain. And for this pain I am grateful. Conviction is good; for we know what we are doing is wrong and feel it necessary to stop. Ignored conviction is deadly. People try to justify sin every day. Well God knows my heart. And that should be enough for us to repent and ask for a new one, for God told us that the heart is evil and desperately wicked. Well, God is forgiving and as long as I repent I’ll be alright. Are you serious? Yes God is a forgiving God, but people misunderstand repentance. To repent is not to saying I’m sorry and keep on sinning. Rather to ask for forgiveness and to turn from our evil ways. If I were to punch you in the face and then say sorry, then proceed to hit you again am I sorry? Obviously I am not. I say it in hopes that you don’t retaliate against me. This is what I do to God every Time I stumble in my house after a night out or wash his residue from my body or brush the smell of tobacco from my mouth. I don’t want to keep hurting God and lying with the word “sorry”. I know that if this continues I will feel His wrath and will pay with my life.  So my flesh must be killed by the spirit and my spirit must live in Christ. I must walk on this narrow path, carrying this heavy cross, living by the bloody gospel. To the heathen this would sound like a curse, but the righteous rejoices. How blessed am I?

Second Read

You're deep like a Maya Angelou poem
Off first glance
I was confused by the gibberish That's irrelevant to me
But something grabbed my attention
So I read it a second time
Deciphering through metaphors
Analyzing the reasoning behind each line
Then the switch comes on
Of course this piece isn't stupid
My thoughts were just too shallow
To swim against the currents of passion
And I sit disappointed
Who am I to question a poem
Was I there when the encounter that inspired occurred
Was the process explained to me
No
I'm just naive tot he fact that great has various compositions
So I humbly admit my amateur thoughts
And hope you give me another piece to read

Fearful to Faithful

I’m scared. Like, truly scared. There’s passion boiling inside of me, and it spews out of my very being, but so what. I am not in the place to chase dreams and survive off of hope. Hell, I have bills to pay. Dreams won’t fill my child’s stomach, or keep us in a home. I love to love, but even love won’t keep the car running. How will I pursue my goals and take on the financial burden of them when I can barely succeed now? Don’t get me wrong, I am truly blessed, but when options are tight and money is funny, fear acts like a shadow. It’s not always present and when it is you don’t really notice it. But when you take that time to examine your surroundings, there it is; on the side of you, behind you, moving in sync with the rest of you. Hey I’m just being honest. Though I can boldly state this, I am shamed. Not for the fact that you will judge me (hell, you’re going to that anyways), but for the fact that I am operating in direct disobedience to my Father. He warned me about that whole fear factor several times, but there is one that sticks to my mind. “I did not give you a spirit of fear, but of love, peace, and a sound mind.” I sit and ponder on His Word. If he did not give it to me, then who did? He told me that every gift He gives is good. So with that, I know that I need to discard fear. Man that is hard. There Peter Pan was trying to catch his shadow, and here I am trying to get rid of mine. I see the difference between reality and Never Never Land. “Love, peace, and a sound mind.” I am glad Christ reminds me that this was what he bestowed upon me because I will need each and every one of these to make it. I cannot stay in the position I’m in, barely making it and looking at my desires as if a small child looking in the pet shop. I have to go get what is mine. I know that the first step I must take is not a step at all. It is time to kneel down and let God lead me. We can all relate to those footprints in the sand, and if I have to do it again, I don’t mind Him carrying me. But this time, I will know from the beginning that it was Jesus who carried me through. The disciplines asked God to increase their faith and I too need the same. I have to be able to walk out on faith like that water Peter step on to get to Jesus. But before I can do that I have to detach myself from fear, unless I sink.